A typical Millennial
In many ways, I can most accurately be described as the quintessential Millennial or Generation Y’er (Latter 1970’s or early 1980’s to early 2000’s). I am often self-oriented, possess a sense of entitlement, my life revolves around some technological device, and I would rather amuse myself than feed my soul. Were it not for the work of Christ, I would have probably delayed marriage and pursued a life of serial monogamy romanticizing every experience as if it were written by Nicholas Sparks himself.
A Generation raised by women
Though all of the attributes mentioned above give an adequate representation of most Millennials, perhaps the most accurate description of the Millennial generation was given by Tyler Durden a character on Fight Club who quipped “We’re a generation of men raised by women.” The truthfulness of this statement is sure to resonate with both men and women who have seen their homes devastated by divorce, absent or disconnected fathers due to constant work, and fathers who have outright abandoned their homes.
Getting personal
On a more personal note, Tyler Durden’s statement most accurately reflects me. I am a man who was raised exclusive and totally by a woman. Everything I learned about being a man came from the lips and actions of my mother–for good or for ill. For many years my mother found herself being both mother and father; a position that more women than ever before now find themselves in. Much of this is often done out of necessity and to some degree out of choice. If my mother had to do it all over again, I have no doubts that she would have gladly given up the role of training a young man to an older man.
Because my mother served in a dual capacity at home, I usually sent her flowers and a gift on both mother’s and Father’s day. The Mother’s Day card was the typical “I love you mommy”, “thanks for not aborting me,” “thanks for disciplining me,” “thanks for all the money that you spent raising me” kind of stuff. But the Father’s Day card was different. The Father’s Day card would often have “Happy Father’s Day” scratched out and replaced with “Happy not “Mother’s Day” day” written above it.
While the editorial correction was always meant to be a joke, the pain behind the correction was no laughing matter. Father’s Day to me was a kind of quasi mother’s day; an addition to mother’s day if you will. It held no real significance other than the fact that I got to rewrite father’s day cards. But I realize now that the problem ran deeper. My editorial correction reflected the envy I felt toward my friends who had their fathers in the home; it reflected the latent resentment I felt toward my mother for not providing a father figure for me; it reflected why I kept all male authority at arm’s length; it reflected my secret longing for a father who would go camping with me, shoot hoops with me, grill with me, and counsel me about women.
Insert Grace here
To those of us out there who feel numb and disconnected during Father’s day for one reason or another, I want to encourage you with good news and hope. There are three nuggets embedded in God’s word that can transform father’s day from “Happy not the Mother’s Day day” to simply “Happy Father’s Day.” These nuggets are grace driven and gospel focus. They are meant to lay hold of what Christ has made possible for us which is complete access to our heavenly Father.
1. We have a Heavenly Father who loves us
Regardless of how many times you have heard it; regardless of how disconnected you may seem from the concept; the fact still remains that if you are a Christian, God is your heavenly father, and He loves you. So arresting is this concept that God is our heavenly father and he loves us that the apostle John states, “Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God” (1 John 3:1a KJV).This is extravagant love, this is generous love; this is third helping second mile love.
It’s the kind of love that is so other-worldly that the Apostle urges us to stop and consider the magnitude of its quality. This sort of fatherly love is unmatched by anything on earth. No earthly father can love on the level of our heavenly father. No earthly father has sacrificed more, been more patient, more nurturing, more understanding, more faithful, more attentive, and more endearing than our heavenly father. Our earthly fathers are a mere reflection/ image of our heavenly father. If you are a believer, you can indeed celebrate the love of a Father on Father’s Day because you have been adopted by the greatest father there is–God the father.
2. We have Fathers all around us
Through my involvement in Christian ministry and my marriage to a godly woman with amazing parents, I have more father figures around me that I can count. Many have come along side me and taken me under their wing as a son. Along the same lines, I have reached out to various men and embraced them as a father. This is the sort of advice that Paul gives Timothy in 1 Tim. 5 where he encourages him to view older men as fathers. Paul himself states that Timothy was “my own son in the faith…” (1Tim. 1:1).
If you are a part of a local church, God has placed within your context godly older men who are to be looked upon as fathers. They are endowed by God with fatherly qualities to minister and encourage the fatherless. Draw upon this great resource. You may be apprehensive at first. I know I was. But do not let that stop you from tapping into this God given resource. I have found that many men in the church relish the opportunity to take a fatherless child under their wing and shower them with genuine Christian fatherly love.
3. We can change the tide
I am the proud father of three who now looks forward to Father’s Day. With the help of my heavenly Father and the example of my earthly church fathers, I have realized and embraced my role as a father. Father’s Day has now taken on a different meaning and a new significance; it is a time to celebrate the role that God has tasked me with, and to look for ways I can come along side those who are fatherless.
We (that generation of men raised by women) can change the tide. We can be on the vanguard of promoting godly fathers who stay in their marriages and raise godly children. We must stop this nonsense of believing that it’s the woman’s responsibility to rear children and start assuming the responsibility that God has laid out for us in his word: to bring our children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4b).
A word to my Sisters in Christ
I recently spoke to a dear sister in the Lord who continuously vented about her derelict “baby daddy.” At the core of her complaint was his unwillingness and apparent inability to effectively be a father to her child. To compound the problem, she is still wrestling with the absence of her father in the home and worries that the same fate will befall her child. She is gripped with fear and sees no conceivable way out of this downward spiral. Yet, there is a way out.
The way out is not complicated. It doesn’t require a map, a compass, a tour guide, or GPS navigation. The way out has never changed nor has it ever been detoured. The way out is through Christ and his word. It is madness to believe that if you date or marry in the flesh, rear children in the flesh, and live in the flesh, that you will live a Spirit filled wholesome Christian life. My dear sisters in Christ, if you continue to accept the bare minimum from your man for the sake of love, you can expects the bare minimum in your relationship; which usually means some financial assistance, but nothing more.
Behind every good earthly father, there is a good earthly mother. So women, search for men who will make good fathers for your children. When you do find such a man support and encourage him in his role. If you are found in a situation where you have to do it alone, enlist the help of godly men in your church and your community. Do not take the responsibility of being mother and father to your children on your own; it’s a burden you do not have to bear.
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